Divorce, Kids, and Christmas


Like many of you my parents split up when I was young. Parents split up for a host of reasons, and this blog isn't about why they do, or even how to prevent it. Many of you reading this are already no longer in a relationship with the other parent of your children. Perhaps you never married, or had to endure the pain of divorce. Whatever happened you can't go backwards, and now you share children.

And Christmas is a few days away.

Holidays can be challenging when you share custody of your children. Often the parent who handles homework, sickness, and dinner time misses out on a day like Christmas. On a different note sometimes tension between Mom & Dad can lead to one parent as a no show. I've never experienced divorce, and won't pretend to know what it's like. Navigating the holidays with joint custody can't be easy, and my heart goes out to you if this is what you're facing. My perspective comes from the child in the relationship, and I just want to encourage you to remember a few things.

Your Children Aren't Game Pieces
Sadly, children are sometimes used as pawns in a chess match between the former couple as each continues to try to win the war. Your children didn't break up with you or your spouse. In spite of shortcomings by either parent they still want to love both of you. To attempt to use them manipulatively in a conflict that isn't theirs is terribly unfair to your child.
Remember, "do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them." Ephesians 6:4.

Your Children Are To Honor Their Parents
This is a biblical mandate (Exodus 20:12), and as a parent you're called to teach God's ways to your child. "Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 11:19. When you belittle your former spouse/partner in front of the child you share you're doing the very opposite of this. As a godly parent you cannot encourage your child to dishonor their parent.
I loved my Dad, and miss him now. Yet, I remember well the heartache of waiting for him on visitation days when he was a no call/no show. (Don't do that to your kids). What I don't remember is my Mom ever saying bad things about him in those days. I don't remember them, because she never did. Somehow she would always take up for him. My Mom made mistakes raising me, just as I made mistakes raising my children, and you have with yours. (Thank God for grace). But this is something she definitely did right.

Train Up Your Child
"Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6
This can especially be challenging if your child's other parent is not a believer. You see the negative impact they have on your child as well, and this causes both fear and conflict. Pray daily for your children. Don't simply tell your children the way to go, also show them with your own life. Stay connected to a good local church where your child will have teachers and mentors to help guide them. Maybe your child's Dad isn't a godly man. If that's the case, be certain there are godly men who are a part of your child's life. Remember your top priority as a parent isn't your child's comfort and happiness. Job #1 is get them to Heaven. That comes through a relationship with Jesus Christ. There's only one thing from earth you'll ever have stewardship over that you get to take to Heaven with you, and that's your kids. Do your best to show them the way.

Be Certain Your Child Knows You Love Them
A child's brain works in such a way that they don't always understand cause and effect. My son was mugged when he was about 13. He didn't tell me until he was grown. Somehow his 13 year old brain convinced him that he was going to get in trouble for losing his iPod. 
That seems ridiculous to him now. Don't assume your child knows you love them. Tell them. Show them. And always remember that kids spell love, "T-I-M-E." (teens included).

"To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today." -Barbara Johnson

Christmas isn't always easy, and sharing children doesn't make it easier. Parenting can be hard work, but it's worth it. I prayed for single moms and dads, and all parents as I wrote this. You got this.

Following the Son,

James A Williams

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